


Tactics 101 with the Inquisition

by Sijglind



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, background Dorian/Iron Bull, because we've all struggled with Inquisition's bad tactics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 04:46:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2760101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sijglind/pseuds/Sijglind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for <a href="http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/10859.html?thread=45856875#t45856875">this prompt</a> on the kmeme.</p><p>  <em><b>What To Do and What Not To Do when <strike>fighting</strike> killing <strike>Templars</strike> <strike>Venatori</strike> Bad Guys for the Inquisition</b> by a <strike>slightly</strike> very drunk Inquisitor Trevelyan and a <strike>maybe a bit</strike> inebriated Varric Tethras (with annotations by Sera, Dorian Pavus and The Iron Bull)</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Tactics 101 with the Inquisition

Morning, new recruits and welcome to the Inquisition. I am Commander Cullen and will oversee your training personally.  
  
Yes, you there, you have a question?  
  
Oh, the Inquisitor... er, he... hem hem. Sadly, the Inquisitor is momentarily unable to greet you personally, due to... due to a small injury he suffered yesterday evening while, um, while sparring with the Iron Bull, but he has left me with a message for you--  
  
What? Oh, yes, he's fine. Yes I'm sure. He only needs a bit of rest.  
  
Now, let's see...  
  
 _Cullen unfolds a crumpled piece of parchment and quickly skims it, frowning at what he finds. There's a long list with annotations in the margins and someone has drawn what appears to be a buttocks above the title._  
  
Well...  
  
 ****

 **What To Do and What Not To Do when ~~fighting~~ killing ~~Templars~~ ~~Venatori~~ Bad Guys for the Inquisition** by a ~~slightly~~ very drunk Inquisitor Trevelyan and a ~~maybe a bit~~ inebriated Varric Tethras (with annotations by Sera, Dorian Pavus and The Iron Bull)  
  
 **I. On fighting in general**  
Soldiers, Mages, Templars and Rogues of the Inquisition, when it comes to where to stand during a fight, take a look at your armour. We have found it is generally useful if the frontline fighting is left to those with heavy armour, and no, only because it has "Mail" in it doesn't mean it's heavy. If you don't believe me, speak to Dorian on this topic, he can tell you all about it.

 

> I must object, my dear Inquisitor, if you are referring to what I think you are referring to. If you recall correctly, it all worked out in our favour
> 
>  
>
>> That might be true, but you falling unconscious on top of me so that we both go to the ground is not a conventional fighting technique, even if it saved my face from being smashed in with a shield
>> 
>>  
>>
>>> But it worked
>>> 
>>>  
>>>
>>>> Yes it worked, happy now?
>>>> 
>>>>  
>>>>
>>>>> More than you can imagine

  
  
What the Inquisitor is trying to say is; people that wear cloth, stay as far away as possible, people that wear leather, keep to the shadows or learn how to handle a bow. People with heavy armour, do whatever you want as long as you stay between the bad guys and the good guys and remember to use your shields. Also, stay out of the range of crazy Qunari wielding giant swords, even if they're on your side. The Inquisitor can tell you all about _that_.

 

> We agreed to never mention that particular incident again, Varric
> 
>  
>
>> Did we? Must've slipped my mind

  
  
**II. On Potions, Tonics and Grenades, Bombs and that other stuff**  
Remember to stock up on potions, tonics and projectiles before leaving the camp. There's nothing worse than running out of potions right at the beginning of a fight with a dragon. Trust me when I say that playing possum is not the fun it used to be when you were five years old.

 

> 'Specially not if there's a fire-spitting lizard 'round, right?

  
  
**II.i** Also, use the stuff. If you feel like you're about to faint, take a potion. Running out of Mana? There's a potion for that. Need some stone armour? There's a tonic for that. It's not that hard.  
On a side note, no, Antivan Fire Grenades will not make you breathe fire like a dragon when ingested. I thought that was common sense, but I've been wrong before.  
  
 **II.ii** Do remember to secure the vials properly. Really nobody profits from you setting your tent on fire because you had to get up in the morning to take a piss and stumbled over an Antivan Fire Grenade. Sera can provide you with more bad examples if you're not convinced yet.

 

> But that thing with the bees in Bull's tent _was_ funny, right?
> 
>  
>
>> It wasn't
>> 
>>  
>>
>>> Yes it was, I mean, bees, and the Bull, runnin', the Bull runnin' from bees, screaming like a---------
>>> 
>>>  
>>>
>>>> New recruits, if you want your bollocks to remain where they are, you will not believe the kill-stealing elf's stories
>>>> 
>>>>  
>>>>
>>>>> There once was a Qunari named Bull  
>  who once was met with a jar full  
>  of bees  
>  and the Qunari screamed please-----

 

 **III. Glowy things on the Ground**  
That glowy stuff on the ground? Pretty, right? No. Stuff's evil. Evil evil. Evil like Cassandra when you write poems in her books evil. Just with less disgusted noises and more boom bang squish the end is near you're dead I'll crush you, crush yoouu.  
  
So, stay out of that shite.  
  
 _To help, Sera has provided the new recruits with a drawing of a stick man exploding into a rain of fleshy bits when stepping onto a Searing Glyph._  
  
All right, new recruits, that's about it. If we should remember something more, we'll tell the Commander, he'll tell you, and he'll be delighted to answer every and each question, no matter how stupid it might seem. Also, he's great at playing Wicked Grace, you should ask him to play with you some time.  
  
 ~~Sincerely~~ yours, Inquisitor Trevelyan,

 

>   
> ~~and~~ Friends
> 
>  
>
>> and one impeccably dressed and incredibly handsome Altusmage
>> 
>>  
>>
>>> you forgot to mention your striking and sharp wit, Sparkler
>>> 
>>>  
>>>
>>>> but that goes without saying of course

  
  
Well, that was... certainly... enlightening? I, um...  
  
Right, let's begin with the training then! Recruits, grab your weapons and get ready!

 

* * *

  
_Written on a piece of parchment pinned to the door of the barracks at Skyhold:_

Soldiers of the Inquisition,

I don't care who you decide to have your End-of-the-World sex with, but by the Maker **do not** have relationship squabbles during a fight. It will end badly.

Also, I've learned more about what the Bull and a certain Tevinter are doing in the bedroom than I ever cared to know.

The Inquisitor

 

_Scribbled beneath the missive:_  
Anyone know anything 'bout this?

 

> Asked the dwarf. Not sure if he was telling the truth but one way or another, I'm certain there's not enough wine in Thedas to drown myself in in the hopes of forgetting it

walked past one of the turrets on my patrol yesterday, heard someone screaming inside, went to check, opened door, heard something about 'riding the bull' between groans, fled, woke up screaming next night, remember giant bulls chasing me and asking me to ride them

 

> A moment of silence for our brother in arms's lost innocence


End file.
